My ranked guide to sugar-free energy drinks- low cal or no calorie
Energy Drinks.
Those double-edged swords of our modern era, and of my sobriety. On the one hand, I’m not a dysfunctional depressed slurring bloated shameful mess who is laying on death’s door. On the other hand, I have permanent TMJ now, and what was once a wine glass or cocktail in my fist in every single photo, there’s now a brightly colored can of liquid chemical adrenaline.
Someday I’ll be a tea and matcha sipper, or I’ll have my single cup of pour-over French press each morning. Better yet, I won’t need caffeine at all. I won’t need anything but my Higher Power. No substances, no shopping, no indulgences because I.am.enough.
Today is not that day.
Here is my ranking of my favorite energy drinks, from least favorite to most favorite.
(Full disclosure: affiliate links below, so please help me on my independent-sober-woman journey by clicking and purchasing through my site! :-) As always, I have personally tested these products-- in this case, on a regular basis-- and will probably spend all my affiliate money on restocks)
#10 Celsius - Variety Pack
Many believe that Celsius is the "best" energy drink, and granted, I feel like I can taste natural flavors (or is that the unveiled aspartame?), but Celsius gives me a stomach-ache, so it's ranked #10. I've heard people joke that Celsius is scary because we don't know what's in it, and I've heard that it's a healthier option than Sugar-free Red Bull, which was my go-to beverage before I entered sobriety and learned of the vast array of caffeinated products.
click here to purchase
#9 C-4 Starburst Strawberry Energy Drinks, Zero Sugar
C-4 is supposedly the energy drink with the MOST caffeine, and others attest that it keeps them wired beyond belief. Once, I tried to pace my week with an arc of energy: on Monday, I started with coffee, and by Sat, I was pumping C4. It worked but the lockjaw thing is real for me. Still, I keep a couple on hand for emergencies, and this flavor is fun.
#8 "Ultra Strawberry Dreams" Monster Energy, 0 Sugar-- 15 pack
A lot of Strawberry on this list, I'm aware, but this Monster was my introduction into the world of flavored sugar-free caffeine, and so it has a soft spot in my heart. Plus, I consulted a fellow sober friend about this list and this was her personal favorite, so it had to be in the round up. This flavor is now a little sweet for my taste these days, and if I drink too much of it, I develop a weird aversion, but it's still a favorite every now and then. So for all these reasons, it's #8.
#7 C4 Energy Zero Sugar- Fruit Punch flavor 12 Pack
Another C4 for those who like it WIRED. This flavor is a fruity cocktail that packs a punch. I don't drink this all the time, but when I do, I know I'll be up and alert.
#6 GHOST Energy, Zero Sugar-- Bubblicious 12 pack
My friends and I have gone far and wide to track this flavor down- it's not always available, but when it is, it's fruity, fun, and wild. My AA involvement has such funny unintended side effects, and learning about semi-rare energy drink brands like Ghost is one of those. Blueberry is also a good flavor.
#5 Monster Rehab/Recover- Green Tea
The promo peple handed these out for free (!!) in the arena at the Taylor Swift concert last summer, and I fell in love with them. Typing that sentence just now makes me feel so grateful for my life, and grateful I'm alive and present (and caffeinated) to enjoy it.
#4 Aspire- Healthy Energy 12 Pack
I found this brand on Amazon last year, and they had me at "healthy". I like the packaging too. It feels like a dainty spa beverage featuring holistic vitamins. I'm probably wrong, but I've purchased this multiple times since then and I've continued to enjoy myself.
#3 Sugarfree Red Bull 24 Pack
This is my North Star OG Godfather Sugar-free Daddy Mama Bear of energy drinks. I attended boarding school, and my friends and I used to go to Costco and stock up on cases upon cases of this in between our semesters so we would never run out of the stuff and could chug it before class. I've been drinking it ever since, to a degree that betrays my alcoholism. It was my go-to energy drink up until last year, when the two beverages in spots #1 and #2 took over Sugar-free Redbull's reign. Still, it's always stocked in my fridge, and I owe it so, so much.
#2 Monster Energy- Zero Ultra - "the white one" or "the silver one"
Oh how I love the size of these Monster cans, which never run out the way that the 12 oz Redbulls seem to. This flavor, which isn't named but could probably be called "polar ice" or just "ice" or something- is blessedly unobtrusive, which is sometimes what I crave. No chemical aftertaste. Just pure, unadulterated energy. Great for mocktail mixtures too.
#1 Peach "Ultra Peachy Keen" Sugar-Free Monster
It's so delicious. So, so delicious. Like a juicy peach. This one hits the spot day and night, and after eight or nine months of drinking it religiously, it's the one I want the most. Sweet and flavorful, but not cloying at all. As other sober friends say, "it's a morning Monster and an evening Monster!" IYKYK... it matters. It's another flavor that mixes into some pretty inspired mocktail concoctions. I'll definitely do a blog on that later. Anyway, if you're venturing into the world of energy drinks and you want to try a brilliant tasting flavored juicy peach of a caffeine shot, then definitely try this one. I love you, Peach Monster. I love you.
So that's it. My top 10 sugar-free, low-calorie or no-cal energy drinks, ranked and recommended.
I didn't include the travel-friendly powdered form of energy drinks but I'd like to- they've also been on my radar but I'm not knowledgeable enough yet to do a round-up about them. I will get on it.
I hope this helps you on your sober energy drink journey, and I hope I haven't lost all of my "wellness" market credibility with this post. But hey, that's why my company is "trueRthings," not "true things". My divinity is contained within the perimeters of my humanity... and my human nature is nothing if not foible and paradoxical. If these energy drinks are keeping me away from alcohol and drugs, I'm settling for progress, not perfection.
Do you have your own reccs? Please, share with us below! Let's make this the best energy drink forum out there! Please keep your energy-drink recc's sugar-free or low to no cal, in keeping with the theme of this post.
xox
Melissa