Things that are true...?

2/27/24

Again, I return to... truth. Truer things. True like the AI-generated photos that bookend this post.

I took an SEO workshop today. 

I’m inclined to think I might stop dwelling on SEO and “sales-driven” focused-content and simply… create. It’s putting a lot of pressure on me to learn so much business stuff at once and it feels inauthentic. I don’t want to be too ADHD on the topics in this blog, but maybe I won’t censor myself at all for a few months and see where it leads.

Part of my reasoning is because, as I write this, I realize that I don’t feel like there’s any dichotomy between the person I am right here, sharing to the internet (and all of you, my two dear readers), and the person I am in private. That’s a nice feeling. I journal regularly, so why not do it here? Oh man, I never thought I’d be a person who would say that. Only the prospect of cold, hard candle-wax cash (wait...warm, soft waxy candle cash?) is an incentive to disclose, I guess. That and Godly enlightenment, the primary incentive for oversharing in… where else? AA. Confess your sins, baby, and you’ll be free! 

 Really though… I’m not going to force myself to write some lofty explanation about how AA and the 12-steps changed my effing life and made me feel ecstatic bliss and peace like I’ve never known-- I’ll let that trickle out instead— but… yeah. I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful to AA and to the commitment to radical honesty at the forefront of the program, and I’m grateful that I’ve become practiced at sharing openly.  I’ve done the steps, I have a sponsor who is so funny and self-effacing while getting radically honest as well (exactly the qualities I could not do without, I’ve realized), and I’ve gone to many meetings where I’ve either chosen to openly share information about myself or withhold it, depending on the vibe. And I’m grateful to one nightly meeting in particular where 200+ people are both online and in person, and where I’ve become comfortable sharing and even “leading”: fifteen or more minutes sharing my story out loud. There’s nothing quite like getting vulnerable for a group of 200+ strangers, friends, and people who want me dead.

A couple other things have helped me practice authenticity. 

1. My commitment to writing. Stephen King (and others) have said that the most fundamental requisite to write well is the ability to tell the truth. I’ve taken that to heart, much to others’ mortification. 

2. is weird because, contrary to this post’s missive, I can’t share much due to a non-disclosure agreement. But my second reason is due to a dangerous person from my past. The only way I finally pulled myself out of paralyzing fear and rumination was to radically accept what was happening. Trying to prevent the person from leveraging information on me or controlling me was futile. I had to face the person, face my crippling anxiety, and start living openly, authentically, and honestly. I had to stop worrying about what they might do. 

I never want to feel so unsafe again, but going through that was oddly helpful for my future self. I’m hyper-aware of when I’m hiding now, or when I’m being self-protective. What am I not saying out loud, and why? Am I genuinely afraid of disclosing information that could be abused, or using belongings that could be stolen? Am I afraid of sharing information about my location or appearance or vital stats because there’s a risk they could be weaponized? Or: am I merely concealing my face or history or behavior due to shame and embarrassment at how I appear to others? A lack of self-confidence about my appearance or feeling stupid about silly unconscious alone-time behavior?

Realizing I had to start living and stop freezing in fear to hide myself from an unsafe person, I also had to face myself, and I'm grateful. I want my insides to always match my outsides. I don’t think I’m in a state of total self-love right now, but I’m in acceptance of who I am and where I’m at.

Vulnerability and safety are two very different things, but I think the solution to reach them both is the same: it entails the radical act of living authentically, being honest and in acceptance of reality, and becoming willing to handle discomfort. The only way out is through. Hey, I think I just described the first phase of getting sober!

Every day, thanks to AA, I pray to be of maximum service to God. The 6^th and 7^th step involve facing our character defects, and ackkk, it’s unbelievable how cringey mine are, and how many there are!— but I know that I’m closer to enlightenment if I accept things as they are, rather than staying hidden away from truth. 

So… back to the thesis statement of this post:

…Should I see where this goes, and stop writing these for clean “brand” content? Or should I stick with a focused message?

…I see both sides! I have a feeling my ADHD might REALLY rear its head— in form and in content— if I zoom out and cease to focus on, well, a niche I have yet to name and I’m probably overcomplicating (tonight my head was like, “… is it apothecary? —boutique? Curation of SENSES...? Sensory-sensuality-senses-sensibility-sensivity?" Oh my gosh, is that good, or terrible? I did not sleep much last night, and it shows...)

I think I might test out the “let myself off the hook” method, at least for now. I can always delete.

And I don’t have much to lose, honestly. Just my two readers (one of whom, I’ll admit, is my mom) jumping ship, whether out of embarrassment for me (for her?) or boredom or both. 

Eh, I’ll risk it.

Xoxox

Melissa